Q&A: I’m going out with my best friend! How do I stay even?
Question by Mizz G: I’m going out with my best friend! How do I stay even?
I’ve known this young man for six years now when we were studying abroad. We came back to our country about three years ago almost the same time and discovered that we live close to each other… so we’ve been in contact on and off since we got home. He’s a person who was there for me when my life was a living nightmare, but we’ve shared happier memories as friends since. I cry my eyes out every time I remember that…
Recently I decided that I love him and am considering going more than friends. We’re not officially a couple yet, but we’ve been seeing each other for the past two weeks and seeing him makes me happy and thankful that he came into my life.
Anyway, he’s 27 and working a good job, I’m 24 and still in college on allowance. He took me out on a fairly expensive date this friday night. I had a great time, but am feeling a bit guilty on the amount he spent. I’m sure he doesn’t want me to even feel obliged, but I really want to do or give something to express my appreciation.
I’m planning to reciprocate next week by inviting him over for dinner at my place, because my girlfriends and I are going to do a cook up. Obviously I can’t spend as much money on him as he does on me, and I’d prefer to not spend so much on dates because once this progresses into a relationship we may have to plan our expenses more wisely even if he’s making a lot. (At this point it may be way too early to bring this up, but at least I’d like to establish good habits from now to get our basics right).
So… here are my questions:
1) Considering that we’re not a couple yet, (and that we’re being very careful to put the brakes on our hearts so we don’t head into a heartbreak) what are some things that are appropriate for me to do to return the favour? I’d currently describe us as friends spending more time with each other to test the waters if it is wise to move into something beyond, so we’re careful not to get too emotional or intimate at this stage.
2) What good habits should I make a point of establishing at this phase (friendship with dates) so that when we move on to a relationship we’re used to them already? Are there ways to initiate them without having to discuss them too explicitly?
3) I invited him to go out tonight, possibly for dinner. He wants to watch a movie. How do I offer to take turns paying without hurting his feelings? Or should I not try at all? (We live in Southeast Asia where culturally the man is expected to pay for dates, but we’ve both spent time in the West where women also have their share)
Thank you so much!
Best answer:
Answer by lx3
You should do whatever you can afford and which you both enjoy. Cooking for him is a great idea! Also, buying two tickets in advance for something you both want to go to and which you can afford. If you are one person buying tickets, online or in person, nobody will expect the man to pay because there is no man around!
Or you can invite him to your place to watch a movie you have rented in advance, and where you have cooked/bought takeaway/got popcorns and drinks in advance.
Or you can suggest you would like to plan a date, and then pay for things and then bring him the ticket/icecream/whatever it is without telling him in advance what it is, because you want to surprise him!
At a restaurant you can say in advance: ‘I would love to take you out to dinner – my treat this time!’ then choose a restaurant you can afford. You may even try to pay while he is in the toilet! That way, the waiter cannot refuse, and he will not be there to interfere!
I also think it’s not too explicit for you to say something like: Oh thank you very much!!! But you really shouldn’t… it makes me feel bad… 🙂 I would really love to treat you sometimes! Please?
But honestly, I think that if you want a solid relationship based on mutual respect and honesty (and from what you say it appears that you do), you should be able at some point to be able to talk about everything openly and explicitly. As a good partner, he may still want to pay more, or for more stuff (which you should gratefully accept), but he will also understand that you care about him and would like to treat him as well, in ways you can afford, and accept gracefully. If you don’t make it look like a competition but something that really gives you pleasure, you should be ok!
What do you think? Answer below!
