What do you think of my story??(:?
Question by Hunter3339: What do you think of my story??(:?
I wrote it like a script.
I’m 14 so don’t be too harsh on me.
Hailey, Jesse, Ashton, Tyler, Avery, Jennifer, Even, Sean, Jane and Harbor ,are going to New Orleans for Marti Gras.
-Hailey: Dude I gotta take a shit! Pull the fuck over.
-Jesse: Dude your shit outta luck next rest stop ain’t for 20 miles.
-Harbor: Yeah man I gotta piss like a motha fucka. Can’t we just pop squats?
-Jesse: Alright, who ever has to go… go now.
-PULLS OVER EVERYONE GET’S OUT OF THE CAR.
-Tyler: And might I ask what I’m supposed to wipe with?
-Ashton: I don’t know, why don’t you ask your buddy Sean.
-Tyler: Excuse you?
-Ashton: You heard me.
-Tyler: Oh my God, were on this again! Stop your bitching. *Cocky* if I wanted Sean, I could have him.
-Jennifer: Knock it the fuck off! I don’t wanna hear yins bitching.
-Asthon: Fuck off and mind your own!
-Jennifer: It’s kinda hard when you guys are putting a show on!
-Ashton: Welp, as I said before, you can always mind your own.
-Jennifer: Well, shut the fuck up or you’ll be walking to New Orleans!
-Tyler: Guys, chill the fuck out! No ones walking anywhere!
-Jennifer: Fine, I’ll just tie him to the back of the van.
-Hailey: Whoa! What’s with all the hostility?
-Jesse: Well I say we all calm down and get in the van. We got a few more hours to go.
-All gets in the van-
Scene 2 – Sees hitchhiker-
-Even: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe he’s got some bud.
-Avery: Dude, were already squished with ten people, lets not make it eleven.
-Jennifer: We could always trade Ashton.
-Ashton: Get over yourself.
-Tyler: Guys shut the fuck up.
-Car stops-
-Jesse: (To hitchhiker) Where you headed?
-Hitchhiker: Marti Gras.
-Even: You got bud?
-Hitchhiker: But of course.
-Even: Jump in.
Everyone- EVEN!- Tyler hits Even.
-Even: What?!? Were running low!
-Hitchhiker: What’s going on? Can I?
-Jesse: Yeah there’s ten of us so try anything stupid.
-Hitchhiker: Yo I’m cool. So it’s good?
-Jesse: Yeah, get in.
Hitchhiker has gotten in and sits on the floor. Jesse starts driving.
-Harbor: Hi I’m Harbor.
-Hitchhiker: My name is Leo.
-Everyone introduces themselves-
-Five hours later-
-Jesse: Guys, were here.
-Scene three-
-Walking into Mardi Gras-
-Jane: Dude I’m so syked!
-Sean: Yeah I know, were all gonna get fucked up and have a BLAST!
-Jesse: Yeah, we just gotta a find out where they sell the shit.
-Jesse finds the beer distributer. .Everyone’s fucked up but Jennifer
-Tyler trips and starts laughing. Jennifer being the only sober one helps her up-
-Jennifer: Come on T.T get it together.
-Tyler: Come on, your not making any sense. Get what together, that’s the question!
-Jennifer: *Rolls her eyes* Just walk without falling.
-Tyler: I am walking, and I didn’t fall, I tripped.
-Jennifer: Alright, next time, I’m leaving your ass on the ground.
-Sean: *Throws arm around Tyler* I’ll pick you up babe. *Kisses Tyler on cheek.
-Jane: Get the fuck off her! Kay? Thanks!
-Sean: Hey I’m just trying to have fun!
-Jane: Yeah well go find a skank, not Tee!
-Sean: Well maybe I want Tee for me.
-Ashton: *Pushes Sean* You little fucking bitch!
-Sean: *Pushes Ashton back* What the fuck is your problem? I thought we were boys!
-Ashton: I was NEVER your boy! *Pushes Sean*
-Ashton and Sean start fighting.
-Tyler: The both of you stop!
-Tyler gets in the middle of the fight and gets elbowed by Ashton.
-Avery: *Pushes Ashton* You Mother fucker!
-Ashton: What the fuck!
-Avery: Dude, you hit my Sister!
-Jane: Are you okay Tee?
-Tyler: Perfect! *Tyler runs off*
-Avery: Tyler! *Avery runs after her*
-Jane: Nice job Ashton! *Runs after them*
-Even: What happened here?
-Harbor: Oh, you know. Ashton elbowed Ty in her face. Nothing big.
-Even: What?
-Harbor: That’s what I’m saying!
-Ashton walks away.
-Avery: Are you alright Tee?
-Tyler: Oh, just great!
-Avery: Let’s go back there and kick his fucking ass!
-Tyler: Ahh, no, let’s not.
-Avery: Fine then I’m with Jennifer…. We can leave Ashton here.
-Tyler: Avery, please, can we not talk about this?
-Avery: Fine how was your day?
-Tyler: Oh, you know, just dandy! And yours?
-Avery: Yep, still wanna leave Ashton here.
-Tyler: Avery!
-Jane catches up with Tyler and Avery.
-Jane: Hey you guys!
-Avery: Oh hey Sloth!
-Jane: Avery! Guess what?!?
-Avery: What?!?
-Jane: I love you! *Kisses Avery on the check*
-Avery: Are you coming outta the closet?
-Jane: Shhh.. It’s a secret. For you!
-Avery: Looks like I already know your secret!
-Jane: Ty, where are we going?
-Tyler: I don’t know. You guys don’t have to follow, yins can go back.
-Avery: Are you getting us lost?
-Jane: Yes! Yes she is! *Laughs*
-Tyler: No, we’ve been walking straight.
-Jane: Well, I say we go back before you get us lost!
-Harbor and Even.
-Even: Do you know where Leo went?
-Harbor: No, why? You don’t even know him.
-Even: I could really use the weed.
-Harbor: *Laughs* He probably smoked it all since we are at Marti Gras!
-Even: Flash someone your tits for 20 bucks so I can get some weed.
-Harbor: I could use some weed some too, but…
-Even: But what?
-Harbor: I’m not that desperate. Find someone else to do that for you.
-Even: Like who? Avery and Tyler wouldn’t do it, Jane’s would put someone in the hospital if she broke them baby’s out and *Whispers* Jennifer is fat.
-Harbor: Hailey will do it!
-Even: Great, where the fuck am I going to find her?
-Hailey and Jesse-
-Hailey: Did you hear about the fight with Ashton and Sean?
-Jesse: No, and I don’t care to hear about it.
-Hailey: Did you see them anyways?
-Jesse: Who? I brought eleven people here.
-Hailey: Sean and Ashton?
-Jesse: No I didn’t see them, but they better be around here cause I’m not looking for anybody when we leave.
-Hailey: Were staying at a hotel.
-Jesse: Who says?
-Hailey: Everyone that rode in the back seat. We’re all piss tired, and wasted. We can’t drive!
-Jesse: Ahh, I see. Well, I’d like to know who’s paying.
-Hailey: Everyone.
-Jesse: I’m broke, I got the booze.
-Hailey: Well I got the tree and I still gotta pay.
-Jesse: I don’t think flashing your mosquito bite’s for it counts.
-Jesse: Well if were gonna get technical about it, I don’t think stealing your Mom’s money for it counts.
-Jesse: See! Money! It’s money. I bought the beer with money.
-Hailey: See! I showed these mosquito bite’s’ for the weed!
-Hailey: See! I showed these ‘mosquito bite’s’ for the weed!
-Jesse: I got an idea! How about you blow the manager at the hotel so we don’t have to pay!
-Hailey: Oh fuck you. How about you rob a few drucks here!
-Jesse: Your right, we’d need someone who’s not built like a 12 year old boy to do it. You’d only get us about five bucks off.
-Hailey: Hah! Funny! You seem to forget that you dated this.
-Jesse: How could I forget? I also hit that in two days.
-Hailry: *Spill’s here beer on him* Well then I bet you won’t forget this either.
-Hailey walks away.
-Ashton and Leo.
-Ashton: I don’t understand girl’s. They act like they want respect, then act like a slut, then get mad when you treat them like one!
-Leo: Yeah, I never got them either. I don’t think they get themselvs. It’s like they don’t even know what they want.
-Ashton: Yes! I think your onto something here. They don’t know what they want but when you show them what they want they get all pissy because they hate it when you know something they don’t.
-Leo: That’s right! Your catching on! That’s how they are! That’s why I go to girl to girl cause I don’t need a bitch to bitch at me.
-Jane Avery and Tyler come up from behind Ashton and Leo.
-Jane: What about a bitch bitching?
-Leo: And here we are. A bitch bitching.
-Avery: You wanna see a bitch bitch?!
-Leo: *Laughs* Their noesy and sneaky too!
-Tyler: And guys are retared assholes who think they know it all!
-Ashton: We don’t think we know it all!
-Tyler: Oh really?! Then why are girl bitches!?
-Leo: Cause their life’s suck and they have nothing better to do.
-Tyler: Worng! Girl’s are bitches because of guys like you!
-Leo: And guys are asshole’s because that’s what you girl’s want, an asshole!
-Avery: Girl’s don’t want asshole’s! They want men! You boy’s want easy sluts!
-Leo: *Laughs* We do, we do.
-Jane: Well, how about you boy’s go and find yourself’s some slut’s. Shouldn’t be too hard on a night like this. It’s the best time for you ‘boys’s’ to take advantage of a drunk girl!
-Leo: Yeah! Hey Ashton, look three easy sluts!
-Jane: Fuck you, you fucking faggot!
-Avery: You wanna try saying that to my face!?
-Tyler: Jane, Avery! Come on, we don’t need to waste our time on these sorry excuses for men! But you ever call me my Sister or best friend a slut again, I’ll fuck you up!
-Jane and Avery: You mean we’ll fuck you up!
-Leo: *Laughs* Ouch! Hard asses! *Laugh’s again* Come on Ashton. Let’s go find us some real girl’s
-Tyler: Come on Avery and Jane, let’s go find us some dick’s! I bet we can find Sean. At lease he know’s how to treat a girl.
-Ashton: Yeah, real mature Tyler!
-Tyler: *Laughs* I’m only acting like you.
-Ashton: I’m not telling my little sister to ‘come find me some dick!’
-Tyler get’s in Ashton’s face.
-Tyler: Fuck you!
-Ashton: Yeah!?
-Tyler: Yeah!
-Ashton: Fuck you!
-Avery and Jane pull Tyler.
-Avery: Come on Tyler. Forget about him!
-Tyler: Let’s go find Sean.
-Jane: Tee Tee, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
-Even and Harbor.
-Even: Where do you find a slut?
-Harbor: Umm, where there are guys?
-Even: Yeah! That helps alot! Now we gotta walk around and ask every guy “Have you seen this slut, she’s about 5’6, brown hair past her tiny tit’s, oh yeh she has small tit’s, um, brown eye’s, wearing a short skirt a ugly red shit oh and her come and fuck me boots!” Good idea!
-Harbor: You have a better idea?!
-Even: How about we call her phone! Bet you didn’t think of that!
-Harbor: Huh, I guess I didn’t.
-Even calls Hailey.
-Hailey: *Laugh’s* Hello?
-Even: Hey! Where are you?
-Hailey: Umm, hanging out. *Laughs*
-Even: Can you get me weed?
-Hailey: Ah, I’m kinda working on that right now, can I call you back? *Some guy with Hailey “Hey are you gonna blow me or not!?”*
-Even: Ohkay, well you go blow that dude and get back at me.
-Hailey: *Laughs* I’m not blowing anyone! *Guy with Hailey “Well if your not blowing, latter” Wait! I am blowing you!
-Even: I’ll let you get to blowing that dude.
-Hailey: Thanks. *Laughs* Bye.
-Even: *Hangs up* She’s working on it.
-Harbor: Wow. She’s what I call a slut!
-Even: Wow, she’s what I call my hero!
-Harbor: Eww, she’s nasty.
-Even: If I was a chick I’d do shit for weed. You girl’s got it easy!
-Harbor: No one’s stoping you from blowing anyone!
-Even: And no one’s stoping you from blowing anyone! So here we are, not blowing anybody. Weedless.
-Harbor: I’m stoping myself. But nothing’s stoping you, you feen.
-Even: I wouldn’t blow a dude for all the weed in the world.
-Harbor: Yeah, right!
-Even: If a chick was like,”‘Here, I’mma gonna put a baberuth in my snach, all you gotta do is eat it and scream hey you guys,” I’d be all for it!
-Harbor: Sick!
-Even: *Laughs* That’s what I’d call the good life.
-Harbor: That’s what I call a fucked up life.
-Even: Hello?! Baberuth’s, pussy and weed! That’s living.
-Harbor: That’s crying out, “Hi, can someone please give me an STD!”
-Even: Whoa! I never said I’d be sleeping around, wow, what kind of shit do you do?
-Harbor: Your telling me if a hot girl actually walked up to you and was like “Do me” You wouldn’t?
-Even: Hey, I never said that. I just said your putting words in my mouth. And what do you mean by actually?
-Harbor: I didn’t say that.
-Even: Ah, yeah you did. But it’s cool. I know I could get any pussy I want.
-Harbor: *Laughs* Yeah, and I could fuck Justin Timberlake.
-Even: No, I bet he’s into pretty girl’s
-Harbor: *Hit’s Even’s arm* Funny. This comming from the guy who’d sell himself for weed. What can’t you buy the weed with your good look’s?
-Even: Never tired! But I bet I could.
-Harbor: Your dumb!
-Even: I’m smart and sexy. I can get what I want.
-Avery Tyler and Jane.
-Avery: Were not really gonna look for Sean, right?
-Tyler: I don’t know what were doing.
-Jane: I say we go find us some beer!
-Avery: Good idea!
-Tyler: I like that’s a great idea.
-Jennifer walk’s over to Avery Tyler and Jane.
-Jennifer: Guy’s! I’ve been looking all over for yins! My phone’s dead and all these guy’s were hitting on me.
-Jane: How drunk were the guys?
-Jennifer: What?
-Jane: I said where their any drunk guys?
-Jennifer: Oh, yeah alot.
-Avery: Must have been really drunk guys!
-Jennifer: Yeah, some guy grabed my ass!
-Jane: Did he trow up?
-Jennifer: He might have. He was drunk.
-Avery: I knew that.
-Jennifer: How?
-Anvery: Umm, you said everyone was drunk.
-Jennifer:Oh.
-Tyler: Have you seen Sean?
-Jane: No, were not looking for Sean!
-Avery: Lay off the whole Sean thing.
-Jennifer: Why are we looking for Sean?
-Avery: Ahh, we? You just got here.
-Jennifer: And I am here now.
-Jane: We can tell, we felt the earth shake.
-Jennifer: What?
-Jane: I said I could go for some milk shakes!
-Jennifer: Me too! I’m so hungry!
-Avery: I thought I heard your belly say “Feed me!’
-Jennifer: What?
-Avery: I said somebody needs too feed me!
-Jennifer: Tell me about it!
-Tyler: Guys, I am hungry. Where can we find some food?
-Jennifer: I know!
-Jane: Oh I knew you would know.
-Jennifer: *Laughs* Yeah, I looked before I found yins.
-Jane: Oh. *Laughs*
-Avery: Lucky us! *Laughs*
-Leo and Ashton.
-Leo: Where’s the skeezers? I need to get my dick wet!
-Ashton: I don’t know.
-Leo: Brah, what’s sup? You’ve been kinda, I don’t know blue after we ran into Tyler.
-Ashton: I just hate it when we fight.
-Leo: Don’t tell me you guys are a thing?
-Ashton: I don’t know where we stand any more.
-Leo: I can tell you where be standing… right beside me fucking the same chick! Oh yeah!
-Ashton: I don’t wanna fuck anyone right now.
-Leo: You mean, “I’m whipped, and wanna make up with my bitch.” Right? Your kidding me!
-Ashton: Leo, for real, don’t call her a bitch again.
-Leo: Or what? You’ll call her and her bitch clang?
-Ashton: I’m fucking serious.
-Leo: Whatever dude. I’m gonna find me a hoe. Peace.
-Leo walks away.
-Jesse and Sean.
Best answer:
Answer by NekoBus
That’s a lot to read, but I’ll give you my thoughts. I took a screenwriting class years ago, let’s see what I remember. First of all, it’s hard to format a script in Yahoo Answers, but it would have the character’s name (ALL CAPS) in the middle of the page and the dialogue centered underneath it. Any emotions go under the name in parenthesis. The actions and descriptions of the characters are written as regular text. Plus for each scene, you need to write if it’s INT (interior) or in this case it would be EXT (exterior). Then you need to write if it’s day or night. Don’t take it the wrong way, but I think you’re introducing too many characters at once. Unless they’re on a bus or a van, I’m not sure how 10 people are driving to New Orleans. It’s a lot to introduce at once and as a suggestion (you can take or leave), I’d say merge some of the characters together. But you do need to introduce them a little and give their ages.
Let me see if I can give you an example. YA won’t let me center, but that’s how the names & dialogue should look. (Like this: http://i36.tinypic.com/ajuv7r.jpg)
EXT – HIGHWAY – DAY
A red van zooms along Highway 86. Six friends are inside, JESSE (28), HAILEY (24), HARBOR (19) etc. They are listening to classic rock on the radio.
HAILEY
(anxiously)
Dude I gotta take a ****! Pull over.
JESSE
Dude your **** outta luck next rest stop
ain’t for 20 miles.
HARBOR
Yeah man I gotta piss like a motha fucka.
Can’t we just pop squats?
Jesse pulls over.
JESSE
All right, who has to go… go now.
And so on and so forth. Also when writing a script, especially a movie script, you don’t want it to be all dialogue. Put some visuals in there, have the characters do things and give it more action. Remember movies are highly visual. I’d recommend reading a few movie scripts to get a feel for how they are written, but I’m attaching a link that might help.
Best of luck to you!
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