What is wrong with me, and would I be better off dead?
Question by : What is wrong with me, and would I be better off dead?
I’m a 20 year old female living in L.A. I have had dreams of working in the film industry since I was a little girl (not acting, writing and directing more so). I am very creative, but I don’t think I have what it takes to create, if that makes sense. I tend to get lost in a daydream and am perceived by many as spacey, anti social or depressed. I don’t go out much, and when I do I always make a fool of myself, and am usually not invited back. I will be honest, when I go out clubbing for instance, I get very anxious and nervous. I feel threatened and everyone and every little thing looks very surreal. If anyone tries to talk to me I either sketch out and make up some b.s. excuse and hide, or I end up offending them by sticking my foot in my mouth or just acting plain weird. I know I’m probably not describing this well, but I just wish I could figure out what’s wrong with me or at least know someone else feels the same as me. I love film and I have thousands of plots, ideas, characters, dialog running circles around in my head screaming to get out. But when I try and make something of them, I’m stuck, or I may get as far as outlining the plot but then something stops me from writing the full script. I fall in love with an idea, it plays out so well in my head and I feel it, then I lose momentum and look back at it with disgust. I think “It’s not worth it, the concept is unrealistic” etc., and am back to square one. On top of all that, I realize Hollywood will most likely not buy my ideas, I would have to go it myself, meaning I need money, which I don’t have AT ALL……..
Bottom line: I have wanted this my whole life, but am not sure if I am a fit for Hollywood. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else, but what have I been doing this whole time, really? I realize this industry is dog eat dog, and when it comes down to it it’s not really about art, it’s about money. I myself could care less about money, but making a movie takes money. My biggest worry right now is what am I going to do to support myself in the future? Even if I spent all my time and resources making little indie movies that could very well go nowhere, I will get to a point where I have surpassed the cut off age (they say if you haven’t made it by 30 in the industry you’re fucked, and that’s true). I basically have 10 years to make it, and the days are evaporating into the next month, into the next year, and it’s scares me shitless.
On top of everything I don’t have a car. I don’t even have a license (don’t ask). I can’t even get a pa job over that. I’m jobless, in debt (I attempted film school, I was stupid enough to fall for that before dropping out 3 months in). I am running out of hope and am wondering what I my alternatives are. Should I just forget about film making altogether and settle for another career? The only thing I have a slight interest in is psychology, but it links back to character building (stupid, I know). I feel like I should either totally give up and fully focus on a steady career, or I guess struggle in the industry for the next 10 years, fail and then commit suicide (or hell, just kill myself now).
Please, be as honest as you need to be. I need a reality check.
Best answer:
Answer by Franklin Franky
well if worst comes to the worst you could always come live in ireland with me. im a rich sexual deviant with a fondness for big hats.
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